Kalahating Bahaghari

le1k-2026-03-16_16_46_43-kalahating-bahaghari-marina-pages-22-38-1.pdf

MARINA HATED GAY MEN. THEY HAD NO PLACE in this world. "Exterminate the gays"-that was her battle cry. Why would they change what God had given them? Bakla, binabae, bayot-it wouldn't be long before they hid under other names like bading, sward, beki, badaf, syoki-but they were all the same. They changed colors, but the venom remained the same.

All around, women were wearing miniskirts, bold colors, or psychedelic prints, but Marina always wore a gray or blue dress. Or perhaps her favorite: white. Most women back then wore bangs. She usually kept her long hair in a bun.

Whenever she entered a place (she was so thin she looked like a walking stick grown over with long hair), she could immediately smell where there were snapping fingers and swaying hips. Her nose would sharpen and twitch. Nothing could hide from her nose, fueled as it was by determination.

Once, while eating at a mall food court, someone passing by bumped into her. She glared at them and sensed it immediately. "You're a faggot, aren't you?" The "closet" retreated as if suddenly exposed in front of stunned companions. Marina imagined that when this person got home, their wardrobes would fly open and flowered bandanas would come fluttering out. Come out, come out!

THE FIRST TIME MARINA SAW JIM, the brother of her husband Luis, she already knew. He moved "straight," but she saw the flick of his fingers, the way his eyes softened, the slight purse of his lips. When he walked, it was like he was balancing on a wire. "Luis, that brother of yours-he's eighteen and still hasn't courted anyone! It's a good thing that facial twitch is gone. Daddy, maybe your friend's American company can sponsor a hearing aid for Luis's brother. Let's help him so he can hear the voice of God better."

Jim struggled when he first wore the hearing aid in his left ear. He felt self-conscious because it was large, and even though it was skin-colored, it was still obvious. Fortunately, his hair was long enough to cover it somewhat. The first thing he heard was the high-pitched screech of feedback, like a nail being dragged across a blackboard. Then came a rattling drone, sounding like a swarm of bees fighting. Sometimes his own voice was too loud because he thought he wasn't being heard, and other times other people's voices were deafening. He was no longer used to the world of sound. He developed a habit of leaning his left ear toward whoever was speaking.

But before long, when everything settled, a new world opened up-and like magic, sounds reappeared: cracks, creaks, thuds, and laughter. Despite his twitch, Jim couldn't help but smile. "See?" Marina told Jim. "Don't you feel reborn? That's exactly what will happen if you renounce your homosexuality!"

Marina burned the lewd magazines she found in Jim's closet. "Sin, sin!" She left a copy of the Bible on his bed, with the "necessary pages" marked with paper. She and Luis forced Jim to get a short haircut, even though long hair was the trend for young men back then; it made his hearing aid much more visible. Marina asked Oscar, her soldier brother, to help Jim "act like a man." Oscar had a heavy jaw and a mole below his left nostril. He was busy arresting and torturing activists, but he said he would help. He said Jim needed to go through rigid training, like in the military, otherwise nothing would happen.

The training began a month after it was announced in the newspapers and on TV-September-that the entire country was being placed under Martial Law. "Not a military takeover," Oscar explained to Luis, "it's still a civilian government. But if it were up to me, it should be a military takeover. Our countrymen are stubborn. They need a punch, like this." Then he punched the air. "Hey, do I look like Muhammad Ali yet?"

In the first part of the training, Jim served Oscar like a senior officer, supposedly to "break his character into obedience." Furthermore, Oscar believed he now had the right to interfere in Jim's life because, if not for his family, Jim still wouldn't be able to hear. Jim cleaned Oscar's boots. He carried his gear. After that, Oscar made Jim march back and forth throughout the house. Whenever Jim's hips swayed, Oscar would bark at him. "No Marcelino faggots here! Straight shoulders, goddammit! Stop swaying, stupid! Oh, why are you crying? A man shouldn't have a soft heart! Are you going to start wearing dresses like those other men out there?" "I'm not a woman," Jim answered. "Is that so? Then why are you still so soft, you pigheaded good-for-nothing asshole? Do twenty push-ups, goddammit!" He treated Jim like one of the activists he captured. "Communist faggots! You are the dregs of society!"-even though Jim was only just beginning to learn the meaning of the words "activist" and "communist."

They often had interrogations. "Are you a piece of shit!" Oscar would ask, screaming right into Jim's hearing aid. "No, Sir." "Are you filth?" "No, Sir." "Are you stupid?" "No, Sir." "That weapon of yours, that dick of yours-what is it for?" Jim didn't answer immediately. Oscar screamed the question again. "That dick of yours, what is it for?" Jim still didn't answer. Oscar struck him with a punch to the chest. Jim closed his eyes in pain. "For the pussy, say it!" Jim still couldn't say it. Oscar punched him again, so hard that Jim's hearing aid nearly flew off. Jim wanted to vomit from the pain. "What is that dick for?" "For the pussy," Jim said, his voice barely audible. "Louder! For the pussy! Louder! For the pussy!"

"We should watch 'bomba' (softcore) films! (Right?) To get you horny. A man should thrust immediately when he sees a woman. You're wasting that dick, just giving it away to men! It should be used for women!" Then Oscar whispered to Jim, his spit flying- "Do you know how many woman activists I've fucked, huh? Aren't you jealous?" "Don't you feel sorry for them?" Jim asked.

At UP (University of the Philippines), he often saw activists rallying, especially before Martial Law. There were classmates who invited him, but he always refused. "We are poor," Luis always said. Luis only agreed to let him enroll at UP after he promised not to join rallies. So he felt guilty, because he was taking AB History, and he knew he should be involved in events that would one day become part of history. "They aren't humans," Oscar replied. "They are the termites of society."

At home, Oscar's fierce face was always in front of Jim. When he got to UP, it was as if the Oscars had suddenly multiplied-soldiers were scattered all over campus; sometimes a dorm was raided, sometimes they chased students who suddenly rallied, sometimes they just watched. One of Jim's professors stopped showing up; some said he went underground, others said he was arrested. But they never saw him again. Throughout the campus, there was a prevailing prohibition against expressing feelings and beliefs; the truth could only be whispered, and if necessary, hidden-just like being gay.

After class, Jim would hurry home. The strictness on campus was the same as at home. One day, when he was struggling terribly, he mentioned to Luis that if their parents were still around, they wouldn't allow what Oscar was doing to him. During most of the training sessions, Luis was away at work; only Marina was there, so Luis didn't see everything. He thought about it and was troubled by what Jim told him, but he was also sure that if their parents were alive, they wouldn't want Jim to be gay. So he told Jim, "Just follow Oscar, I'll tell him to take it easy."

Once, after Jim's training, Luis and Oscar had a drinking session. They forced Jim to join, even though he could barely swallow any. Oscar told stories and bragged about the torture he did to the "communist dregs"-some were so young, students, wasting the money their parents spent to educate them. "But they're tough, in fairness. Put through water torture all night, fingernails pulled out, the whole body electrocuted, but the bastards still won't confess. What are they fighting for?" Oscar couldn't understand; why were they like that? "Are you going to die?" Oscar would yell at them. "You're going to die for the country?" They still wouldn't talk, until they finally died.

"Dregs just like the gays," Marina thought as she served beer and goat-meat appetizers to Luis and Oscar. "Our country needs to be cleaned." Just like the dream of Oscar and the military men like their father, so that the Philippines would be great again. To end poverty, corruption, and violence. That was the promise of the Bagong Lipunan (New Society). Luis admired Oscar. This was the soldier he had dreamed of becoming since he was a boy, but would never be. Oscar's family-the colonel father, the sister Marina-was the family he wished he had.

Oscar made Luis resign from the grocery and got him into a umbrella factory ("Thanks, brother-in-law!"), a higher position as a checker of workers. But in reality, Oscar ordered Luis to spy on his fellow workers, who apparently wanted to form a union ("Union-union, fuck them!"). A friend of Oscar's family owned the factory.

One day, Oscar arrived in a foul mood. Four activists imprisoned at the camp had escaped after a night of torture. Oscar and his group were blamed by their commanding officer. Besides this, he had just received a report from Luis; it looked like the union would still be formed at the factory he was spying on. "Bastards! Scumbags!" He turned his anger toward Jim, in their training. He struck Jim in the stomach every time he got an answer or an action wrong. And even when Jim did it right, he would still find something wrong-"Goddammit, are you stupid? Come on, you want to hit me? Why don't you hit me, you stupid sissy!" Even Luis looked on, worried because Jim was doubled over in pain-Kuya, help, his eyes said. But Luis could do nothing because Oscar said this was necessary if they wanted Jim to change; Oscar said he knew what he was doing. And as for Marina, it was okay with her. She stood with her shoulders straight like a hanger. She was happy because Luis had just bought her her favorite Chinese powder (in a small metal case) that felt fine and soft when applied to the face. That was one of the things Luis always gave her when he was courting her.

Jim made another mistake in his answer. Oscar took a glass, urinated into it, and then handed the glass to Jim. "Drink it." They were shocked. Did Oscar think he was facing an activist prisoner? "We can do anything," Oscar said, "we are the ones in power. Drink it!" Jim still didn't budge. Oscar approached and poured the glass of urine onto Jim's face. Jim's hard face didn't flinch even as the urine dripped down. Luis stepped forward, pulled Oscar back, and punched him in the chest. Oscar was surprised, lost his balance, and stumbled back but didn't fall. Marina was also shocked. Jim saw what happened. He turned and went to the kitchen. They wondered what he was doing there. Oscar gave Luis a dark look, then yelled at Jim. "Act like a man, get back here!" When Jim emerged, he was holding a bolo knife (itak). Luis and Marina were stunned. Before they could stop him, he lunged at Oscar. Luckily, Oscar dodged. The knife hit the side of the door, leaving a large gash.

They were all horrified. Even Jim was scared, crying. Even the neighbor, Aling Bebang, peeked in because of the noise, carrying her one-eyed pet cat. Oscar just smirked, turned around, and left. Marina was seething with anger at Jim. Luis sent Jim to his room and put the knife away. But from then on, Oscar stopped interfering with Jim. Even Marina was quiet for a while. Oscar still visited, drank with Luis, put his arm around him, and said what happened was okay-he would still recommend Luis for a better job. Then he made remarks again about activists and gays being everywhere. But he stopped the training with Jim. However, whether outside or at school, whenever Jim saw a formation of soldiers on the street, the only thing he saw was Oscar.

Marina didn't give up. She and Luis dragged Jim to church. There, while stomping his feet and with a thundering voice, the pastor said that God created only Adam and Eve-there was nothing in the middle. His spit flew, as if spraying the gay people hiding in the pews. Jim recoiled and looked away. Marina sneered at him. "It's a sin," the pastor continued, "it's an abomination!" Then he threw the Bible at the people. "There, read it for yourselves if gays or tomboys are allowed in there! Leviticus Chapter eighteen, Verse twenty-two! Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind!" The listeners were terrified, and if there were any among them hiding their gender, they were like cockroaches flushed out by insecticide, now squirming.

Jim turned off his hearing aid and looked up intently, contentedly just watching the pastor. Heaven.

IF IN HER WHOLE LIFE THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING MARINA HATED (gay people), there was also only one thing she loved: Luis. From the first time she saw him at the grocery where he worked, she knew she wouldn't stop until she had him. Marina was twenty-two then and Luis was twenty-one. Marina was beautiful, especially because of her long hair that she always combed with a stiff brush; when she let it down from its usual bun, it made her striking. This was the only thing, besides the Chinese powder Luis later gave her, that softened her hard appearance.

She found out all the places Luis went. She pursued him, talked to him, brought him food and Bible verses, bombarded him with cards. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Father's Day. Even when there was no occasion. Happy whatever day. Marina was a good cook, she learned from her mother, and when she found out Luis's favorite was adobo, she cooked him different kinds of adobo, a different kind every day. It reached thirty-nine kinds of adobo, until even in his sleep, Luis was whispering "adobo." His farts smelled of it. Finally, he got to the point where just the smell of adobo made him nauseous, so from then on he never ate it again. But he married Marina, and she cooked him her other delicious dishes.

Marina was hard to move. Even when she and Luis made love, she lay flat like an ironing board, and then Luis would enter her. And there always had to be a "pardon me." Luis always had to ask her first if she was okay, and Marina would nod. It was as if Luis was saying "anyone home?" before he could enter. Luis would shake and thrust, but Marina lay there unmoving. Marina only allowed the missionary position, so when she gave birth to Sally and Eric, after three years of thinking they couldn't have children, Luis once joked (Luis rarely joked), "Our children are the children of missionaries." Marina didn't laugh at the joke. And she still didn't change her position. If the world were to end and someone came back after more than thirty years of her and Luis being together, she would still be seen there, lying straight, waiting for Luis to enter.

What Marina didn't know was that it wasn't true that she was the first to like Luis. When Luis was twenty-one, he often dreamed of a thin woman, with her back turned, with long hair. For several nights. The woman's back was just turned; she didn't move or speak.

One day, while Luis was working at the grocery, someone was looking for him-apparently a complaint about a purchase, for which Luis was the bagger. The thin woman's back was turned when Luis went to the counter. When she turned around, he was shocked; it was the woman in his dream. Although her hair was in a bun.

Was it destiny? Or a deep desire within Luis that was so intense it came true? He didn't know, but Marina, the woman with long hair whose back was turned in his dream, was the woman he married after only a year, and the only one he loved since then. Even though at first he was hesitant about her, because Marina was an A B Education graduate while he had to drop out to work. He always bought Marina beautiful hair clips because he knew she loved her long hair. Hair that Luis had come to love too, always kissing it even when Marina was asleep.

Since he was a child, dreams had been part of Luis's life. Here he always took shelter to escape the stings of reality. When his parents died in an accident, he dreamed that they were still very much alive, telling him, "It's okay, son, we're still here, you can make it." So despite the pain in his heart, he endured. He stopped studying to work and support Jim, and killed his long-held dream of becoming a soldier.

IN THOSE TIMES, JIM ALSO NO LONGER WANTED to be gay. It was so hard to be gay in this world. "Leave me alone, Sal Mineo!" He would rub chili juice on his hands whenever he was tempted to masturbate. He settled for just hanging around outside the old cinema in Cubao,

envious of those going in. At school, he avoided looking at handsome classmates. Did they notice his inescapable desire? The walls didn't want it, the tables didn't want it, the frogs didn't want it, Aling Bebang's one-eyed cat didn't want it-no one did. He wished his body was made of plastic that he could change at any time, turn into a man or a woman, whenever he wanted.

At the suggestion of a friend of Marina's, Jim agreed to try a faith healer (albularyo) in Balic-Balic, who promised that for an affordable price, he would remove the gayness from a man. Jim entered a black tent decorated with white stars and suns. The healer wore only a T-shirt and boxer shorts and held a candle. He promised Jim a "new you." Jim immediately smelled his foul breath. A foul new me, Jim thought. From outside, they could hear the song "Bagong Lipunan" playing from a truck distributing free nutribuns. A new birth / A new life / A new nation, a new movement / In the new society.

The healer made Jim lie down on a narrow wooden bed (papag), so narrow that Jim was afraid he might fall onto the dirty floor. The healer began in a man's voice, gravelly and hoarse, saying, "Leave him, leave Jim, get out of there!" The healer's foul breath was now accompanied by spit flying onto Jim. Jim couldn't move away for fear of falling. The healer's foul breath soon filled the entire tent so that anyone who smelled it, Jim thought, would forget their gender.

Before long, the healer suddenly spoke in a female voice-the voice of a young girl, sounding as if she were being squeezed. "Where am I?" it asked. "Where am I?" Jim just stared at the healer while he continued to speak in the girl's voice. Jim turned his hearing aid off and then back on again, thinking it might be defective. Or maybe the battery was low. But it was clear-the healer was speaking in a young girl's voice, which presumably meant the femininity that was once in Jim's body had now possessed the healer. "I'm sorry if I dwelled within you," the girl's voice continued to Jim. "I had no ill intentions. Now I will leave you and you can return to being a real man." "That's not true," Jim said to the healer, sitting up. "Nothing has changed! Only your voice." Then Jim hurried away.

After that, Marina and Luis sent him to a conversion therapy camp in Tagaytay, recommended by a fellow church member. Such things were rare then, and this was one of the first, so it was still cheap. It was modeled after what was done in America. They said your "broken character" would be repaired inside the camp. They said it was necessary to "achieve a happy family life." They said many had already been "cured" by the camp. A famous gay actor who was still gay but no longer "practiced" gay sex, only on screen. A gay couple who availed of the promo package-buy one, get two gays. Though only one of them was converted; the other remained very much gay. One who became terrified upon seeing naked men, and would squirm even seeing his own naked body in the mirror. One who committed suicide, but "at least he wasn't gay anymore." He went straight to heaven.

Ten of them, including Jim, were locked inside the camp for five days. Shorts were forbidden (shorts hide many "miracles"), exchanging phone numbers was forbidden (in case more than just numbers were exchanged), and two men were not allowed to be together in a confined space (in case "unholy miracles" occurred). Kneeling was only allowed for prayer. And the tongue-it must not be used for "lewd purposes."

Various sessions were held where, every time a member gave a "wrong" answer (""Yes, I masturbated. Yes, I had lewd thoughts when I saw a naked man. Yes, I still speak softly. Yes, Judy Garland and Diana Ross are my favorites."), they would pull their own hair and promise not to do it again.

The moderator forced them to find the "root" of their gayness in whatever happened when they were children. Maybe there was no father figure. Maybe their mother breastfed them for too long. Maybe they were made to play with dolls and jackstones. Maybe they "caught" it from a gay classmate or inhaled "gay air." The sessions often lasted all night, and in their exhaustion, they just gave the answers the moderator wanted to hear. "Do you want to stop being gay?" "Yes!" "Is being gay disgusting?" "Yes!" "Will you stop swaying your hips and looking at naked men?" "Not anymore!" "Are you a real man now?" "Of course!"

Every session ended with the moderator smiling from ear to ear. He looked like he had swallowed a large testicle. The participants, however-having gotten to know each other-met secretly in the corners of the camp, and there, while taking off their "Pray My Gay Away" T-shirts, they performed lewd acts, using their tongues in forbidden ways, still gloriously gay.

Chapter three

JIM JUST HAPPENED TO PASS BY Q-MART beside an overpass in Cubao. He was about to cross the street to catch a jeepney back to UP, where he was staying in a dorm, when he saw a small group of "lightning performers." This was a common tactic for activists back then-brief, sudden performances in public places because such gatherings were prohibited.

Jim was graduating from UP with a degree in AB History. As much as possible, he avoided going home to the house he shared with Luis, especially when he knew Oscar was coming over for a drinking session.

Two men and two women, all wearing denim pants and T-shirts printed with Makibaka, Huwag Matakot! (Struggle, Do Not Fear!), were performing. Everyone moved with haste and breathlessness because the police could arrive at any moment. They were just finishing their song.

Even a bird with the freedom to fly Will weep if caged How much more a nation so beautiful That yearns to be free? Philippines, my beloved Cradle of my tears and suffering ...

After the song, they shouted in unison: Down with imperialism! Down with bureaucratic capitalism! Down with feudalism!

The police arrived, and the group quickly scattered. Some people ran toward Jim, forcing him back against a wall. He was terrified, remembering the horror stories Oscar used to tell.

Leaning against the wall while people ran past him, the first thing he saw in the distance-amidst the chaos-were eyes; slanted eyes that looked as if they were drawn onto a face. It was Sam, looking at him too. Sam looked surprised to see him, wearing a turtleneck and bell-bottom pants. As Sam crossed the street to approach him, he smiled, making his eyes disappear even more.

"Jim," he said as he drew near. "Sam," Jim replied, still in disbelief. Now that his grimace was gone, Jim's smile was wide. But it quickly faded as he became self-conscious about the hearing aid he was wearing. He resisted the urge to cover it with his hand.

In the nearly four years that had passed, Sam had grown taller. And more handsome. He moved with more confidence now. He was with companions whom he introduced to Jim; they had just come from the mall.

"It's noisy here," Sam said. He invited Jim to talk by the roadside and excused himself from his friends for a moment.

"How are you?" Sam asked immediately. "What course are you taking? Where are you studying?" Then he stopped, remembering that Jim couldn't hear. Jim shyly pointed to the hearing aid he was wearing. Sam smiled.

Although Sam was two years older, they were both graduating now because Sam's studies at La Salle had been delayed for two years due to an illness. Jim didn't ask what the illness was. Sam had followed his father's wish to take up business, even though his true passion was music.

A memory flashed in both of them-of Sam playing the guitar at a small park beside the Chinese hospital, under a balete tree. "Do you still play the guitar?" Jim asked. "Of course," Sam said. "But my father doesn't know. I have a bigger collection of records now. Want to see?"

MANY, MANY YEARS WOULD PASS since then, when everything would become one long parade of sounds and images, and what Jim would remember most were the countless records in Sam's studio apartment. It was like swimming in records-on the floor, the table, chairs, shelves, the bed, beside the turntable; Simon and Garfunkel, Rolling Stones, Joni Mitchell, Barbra Streisand, Francisco Tarrega, John Williams, and many others Jim didn't know. The covers were colorful. In the corner of the room, a classical guitar leaned like a king.

"Whenever Papa visits," Sam said, "I hide all of these with the landlady downstairs. Otherwise, he'd break them all. Luckily, he only visits twice a year."

If there were forbidden things inside Sam's studio apartment, Jim thought, it was the same in the world outside back then. He remembered their Philippine History teacher sadly telling them that history was unfolding at that very moment-while the rights of citizens were being suppressed and the mouths of those who opposed the current system were being muzzled. Jim still didn't join rallies, even though he no longer lived at home.

"Do you remember The Sound of Silence?" Sam asked. Then he sang the first line, "Hello, darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again." Jim nodded, smiling. Sam still loved

Simon and Garfunkel, especially their latest record, Bridge Over Troubled Water, although it was sad because it was also the reason the duo split up.

Sam took the Bridge Over Troubled Water record out of its sleeve, cleaned the surface with a flannel cloth, and placed it on the turntable. He lowered the needle.

the sweet harmony of the combined voices of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel soared, sounding as if they were one.

When you're weary, feeling small When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all I'm on your side, oh, when times get rough And friends just can't be found

Unlike before at the park beside the hospital, Jim could now hear the music Sam was playing; they were swayed by it together. Suddenly, Jim loved his hearing aid.

Jim took Sam to the lagoon at UP. This was where he went whenever he felt sad or felt like an outsider in the world. Beside the dirty little creek stood two large acacia trees that grew close together, as if making a vow. Jim had stood before them many times, wondering what their story was-how they managed to remain inseparable despite the many years. Now, in front of these two trees as darkness slowly fell, Sam played the guitar for him. Recuerdos de la Alhambra. And for the first time, Jim finally heard it. Sam said it was about memories of a place. The piece was difficult because it had to sound like two guitars playing. The thumb plucked the bass notes while the ring, middle, and index fingers simultaneously plucked the next three notes.

Truly, what Jim heard was like one guitar becoming two. He placed his hand on the guitar while Sam continued to play, just like before, so he could feel the vibration, even though he could hear now. Sam smiled at him as he kept playing. Jim smiled back, and everything returned-the small park beside the Chinese hospital, the balete tree, the music, the full moon. Jim knew then, as he watched and listened to Sam, that his feelings for him had never gone away. And he didn't need to understand why. How do you explain the full moon? Some say love is blind. In his case, it was deaf.

He wanted to hug Sam, to kiss him; and just as it happens when a lover faces the beloved, everyone else disappeared and it was only the two of them. Jim thought, if being gay meant loving Sam, then he accepted being gay with all his heart.

Once, while they were at the lagoon, Sam asked Jim if it was hard always wearing a hearing aid. Jim nodded. Sometimes it was still difficult to hear. Especially when the hearing aid got wet with sweat. So sometimes, he said, he turned it off. When all the sound vanished, he felt a sense of freedom.

Sam watched Jim closely, trying to understand what he said. Then he leaned in. He asked Jim to turn off the hearing aid. Jim did. Sam put cotton in both of his own ears. He held Jim by both hands. They stood facing each other now, both unable to hear.

For a few moments, they just stood there, looking at each other, listening to the silence. Jim gasped for breath when he realized that what he was hearing was the beating of their hearts, which, like the guitar, had become one.

Many, many years from then, when Jim would remember it all, he would think that they were both deaf then to the things happening around them-to the suppression and oppression his teacher taught them about, whether it was to gay people or other fellow citizens-hearing nothing but their own hearts. Did Sam love him? He didn't know.

That was when they saw people in a commotion, running. Jim turned on his hearing aid and they followed the crowd. At the Arts and Sciences Building, which was near the lagoon, many onlookers had gathered. An ambulance had just left, carrying the body of a gay student who had reportedly jumped from the fourth floor. A gay friend who had "outed" him was standing to one side. "I didn't mean it," he said crying to those gathered there, "I didn't mean it!" Years later, there would be reports that at night, a ghost would wander the hallways of that building.

Jim held Sam's hand, as if they were guilty. As if they were among those who pushed that gay student. As if, under the full moon and amidst the dispersing crowd, a secret had been revealed and could no longer be hidden. They were back in the real world. Who is gay? "I am not gay." That was what was written on Sam's terrified face. And Jim knew then that music cannot truly do everything. The moon has no power.

For several days, Sam didn't get in touch. While Jim nursed the ache in his chest, he reported in class that it is everyone's duty to be involved-that for every person who dies around us, whether murdered or by suicide, we are a part of it. He felt moved to join student rallies and shouted slogans against the violation of student rights, wrote struggle-themed graffiti on walls, raised his fist, and held placards.

One day, Sam suddenly arrived at the dorm, starving and inviting him to eat dim sum. It was as if they hadn't been apart for long. The slogans, graffiti, and placards suddenly vanished from Jim's mind.

Sam took him to a small, hot restaurant in Ongpin. Sam ordered machang for both of them-"one of the few things I like about being Chinese." He let Jim smell its aroma.

On a napkin, Sam wrote his Chinese name. Tan Sun Tiong, meaning "The Obedient One." Then he wrote it in Chinese characters. Jim studied the Chinese characters, the black lines crisscrossing. Then he tried to imitate them. The lines he wrote were messy. They both laughed. "Just write your name," Sam said. Jim wrote his full name. Jaime Marcelino. "Jaime," Sam said, as if it was the first time he had truly heard Jim's name.

Two Chinese men who were very flamboyant in their actions entered the restaurant. The other diners stared at them. Jim watched to see what Sam's reaction would be. Sam ate his machang for a moment, then began to tell a story.

In Chinese folklore, he said, homosexuality is common. Often, the chosen partners of xian or animal spirits are of the same sex, usually younger men. They were allowed to live together on earth until the time came when the Lord of the Fairies had to end their union.

"Interesting," Jim said. "I didn't know about those things."

"There is also Tu Er Shen," Sam continued. A god who oversees the love between men. He is also called the Rabbit God. According to the story, there was a handsome teenage commoner in Hokkien province during the early years of the Qing Dynasty, Hu Tianbao, who became infatuated with a handsome Manchurian officer from Beijing. He followed the officer everywhere-from the camps to the government offices, even on his tours to neighboring towns.

The officer grew angry and had Hu arrested. When Hu admitted he was in love with the officer, the officer heartlessly had him beaten to death. In the underworld, the gods there felt pity for Hu. They said: "You committed no crime except to love a fellow man, and an official at that, even though you were just an ordinary person." To right the wrong done to Hu, they named him Tu Er Shen, the Rabbit God, who would become the guardian of love between men. A month after that, he visited the village elder in a dream and asked for a temple to be built for him so that people could offer incense and prayers, in exchange for his guidance and protection. The temple was built with the help of devotees. Many of these temples are gone now, but there is still one in Taiwan that is visited by thousands of gays and gay lovers every year.

"I hope we can go there someday," Jim thought. But was Sam really gay? He wanted to ask. Do I have a chance? Us?

But Sam had gone back to his food.

As they left the restaurant, some street children approached them, and Jim remembered the street children from before, beside the Chinese hospital. One of the children was whining, a dirty hand tugging at Sam's polo shirt. "Wait," Sam said. He went back into the restaurant and after a few moments came out with wrapped siopao, which he gave to the children.

Jim watched them happily.

After the children left, Sam saw that Jim was still smiling at him. "I've been doing this for a long time," Sam said. "Back home in Iloilo, I used to let beggar children into the house and feed them. Papa would get angry whenever he found out."

Then Sam laughed, finding joy in those small acts of rebellion against his father.

Sam took Jim back to the dorm in a taxi. They had many bags of food and good luck trinkets from Ongpin.

When they reached the dorm, they saw a commotion. Soldiers had just conducted a raid and a student had been arrested. His books, allegedly subversive and from China, were confiscated.

Even his Red Book and Mao cap. Jim had been with this student at a rally once, but they weren't friends. Sam asked if Jim was okay. Jim nodded.

Sam was about to leave when Jim saw Luis and Marina arriving. Jim felt nervous. "We've been here for a while but you weren't here," Luis said, "so we ate first." Marina had brought some rice cakes she had made for Jim.

Jim introduced Sam to Luis and Marina. "Hi," Sam said. Jim knew Marina's "gaydar" went off immediately. "You don't study here at UP? How did you meet Jim? Are you Chinese? Where is your family?" Those were the questions, but the real question was, Are you gay?

After Sam left ("Sorry, I have an early class tomorrow, nice meeting you."), Marina said immediately that she could smell that Sam was gay from a mile away. "Me too," Jim said in a low voice. Marina was silent for a few moments. Luis looked at Jim sternly.

After a few moments, Marina said they had visited because they had an important purpose. Jim grew nervous. Help me, Tu Er Shen, help me. They said they wanted to introduce him to a woman, a fellow member of Marina's religious congregation.

Jim looked at Marina. "I'm not interested in women." "Just try," Marina said. "Just do it for your sister," Luis added. Jim thought of the sacrifices Luis had made for him. And that if it weren't for Marina's father, he wouldn't have a hearing aid. Jim nodded half-heartedly. "You'll like her, Jim," Marina said.

JIM GOT DRESSED THE NEXT MORNING, THEN STOPPED. Could he really pretend? What if he didn't get dressed up so he'd turn the woman off? What if he didn't bathe? Wear his ugliest clothes? Tell her, "Sorry, I can't hear anything, I left my hearing aid at home"?

He waited at the agreed-upon restaurant. He kept taking deep breaths so he wouldn't be nervous. Really, what would he and his female date do? Talk about their male crushes? He imagined the scene-the two of them naked in a room while the woman chased him.

The woman arrived. In fairness, she was beautiful. The kind of beauty a model has. Some men at other tables looked at her immediately. She was wearing a plunging tank top and a short skirt. She had a small bag. She looked at Jim. She smiled. Was she pleased or amused by what she saw? Then she sat down.

"I'm Jane," she said. "Jim," Jim said.

"Jane and Jim," she said. "We could start a parlor." Then she laughed. She laughed loudly. "Let's not waste time," she said. "I know why we're here. Your sister matched you with me. Because you're gay."

Jim was surprised. "Don't worry," Jane said. "You're cute, but I like women. So we're even. They think I'll be 'corrected' if I date a man. Idiots. But let's just go along with it. We'll go out a few times. My brother gave me money for expenses, did yours too? That's good. Let's make money off them."

Jane took a photograph out of the wallet in her bag. "This is me and my girlfriend. She's graduating this year. Nursing. Is she beautiful? Don't you dare say no, or I'll hit you!"

Jane put the photo back in her wallet and the wallet back in her bag. "How about you, have you tried being with a woman?"

Jim was startled by Jane's question. He couldn't answer.

"I'm just being frank, don't be shocked. I think you're a virgin. It shows. Me, I've tried being with a man. No offense meant, but men think that when they're with you, they just enter a hole. What are we, caves? So since then, my vagina is only for women."

Jim was shocked by what he heard; he still couldn't react.

"There, you're thinking my mouth is dirty. That 'dirt' is only in people's minds. Me, I call a spade a spade. Why would you say, 'your thing,' 'my thing.' Vagina. Cunt. Cock. Dick. We all have them, what's there to be ashamed of? Does it lessen one's dignity? If you want, I'll shout it here in the restaurant!"

"Have you ever thought," Jane continued, "why most of the words they call vulgar in Tagalog are always only four letters? Me, I don't know yet. Hey, say something. Is it good being gay? If I know, it's not."

Jane told stories. "Sometimes I think, I wish there was an island, one even more beautiful than Matabungkay, where only lesbians lived. Sorry, no gay men allowed. Just all of us, creating our own society."

"But how would you have children?" Jim finally managed to interject.

"Some of us would volunteer to go out and get pregnant. Then come back when they're 'preggy'."

"So you still need men after all," Jim said.

"On our own terms," Jane said. "Men aren't our enemies. They can visit, but the child-rearing-that's ours."

"Have you heard the story about the drowning tomboy and the gay man?" Jane asked. "Not yet," Jim said. Jane told the story. There was once a drowning tomboy and a gay man. The moralists on the ship were discussing who to save first-the tomboy or the gay man. They discussed and discussed: who has more value to society, the tomboy or the gay man? Who helps our progress more? While they were busy discussing, both the tomboy and the gay man drowned!

Jane took him back to the dorm. She had a second-hand car. In the lobby, they were more relaxed with each other. Jane kept laughing loudly. Then she told Jim, "Those relationships-gay, lesbian, straight, whatever-in the end, they're up to the person. We have no obligation to others to be who we don't want to be."

Then Jane held him by the neck and kissed him on the lips, playfully. She lingered for a moment and Jim didn't resist. "Well, did you feel anything?" she asked when she pulled away. "Did your dick get hard?" Then she laughed very loudly and said goodbye.

That was when Jim saw Sam at the gate. Sam had just arrived; they didn't have plans that day, but he probably came to visit. He was shocked to see Jane kissing him. He turned away immediately. Jim chased Sam, but he had already gotten into a waiting taxi.

HE HAD BEEN KNOCKING ON THE DOOR OF SAM'S STUDIO apartment for a long time before Sam opened it. Sam immediately turned his back on him. He went to the side table and played a record. Recuerdos de la Alhambra. He just stood there listening to the music.

They were like that for a moment. Sam was listening, and Jim was standing there, waiting for Sam to speak to him.

Sam began to speak, unable to look at Jim, struggling and stammering while Recuerdos continued to play, sounding like a soft background to his words. He said his father had come to Manila that afternoon. He surprised him. He saw the turntable, the records, and the guitar, but said nothing about them. Instead, he said something else. Kai-siao. An arranged marriage between Sam and the daughter of a business partner. Be ho di khan-tsiu. He was to be married. Everyone in his family was female-his ah-tsi (older sister), his ah-koh (little aunt), and his tua-koh (big aunt). He was the only male, their only hope to continue their lineage. After the wedding, he would also take over their business in Iloilo, since he was graduating.

Sam resisted. His father shouted at him. They had noticed for a long time that he acted like a tsa-boa (woman). "It's disgusting! We will lose face. You will shame our ancestors."

"You will get married," Sam's father repeated. "Your ah ma (grandmother) in China is sick. She wants a great-grandchild."

Recuerdos ended. Sam began to cry. "I don't want to get married. I don't!"

Jim held Sam by the back of the neck. Sam couldn't stop crying even more. Jim wiped away his tears. And then he kissed his slanted eyes. They were still wet.

When Jim pulled his face back, they looked at each other. Their lips were talking-would they meet? Would they finally accept who they were, what they were? Jim's lips approached tentatively; Sam's lips twitched slightly. It was as if a stronger force pulled them and almost simultaneously their lips opened and they kissed. Sam's lips sucked Jim's as if refusing to let go. Jim could taste Sam's sweet saliva.

When their lips parted, Sam looked at him with all his love. Then he whispered in his ear; Jim felt his warm breath. Gua ai di, Jaime. I love you.

Jim closed his eyes. He felt Sam hug him and enclose him in his arms-the safest place in the whole world, the arms of your beloved.

He just felt Sam undressing him. When he opened his eyes, he was naked. Sam gazed at his nakedness. Jim wanted to be happy and he wanted to be afraid. Sam undressed as well, and Jim looked at him in turn. It was as if it was the first time he had seen a man's body. Their chests, thighs, and genitals were talking. They were both shy and trembling. A mix of the known and the unknown.

Sam was bolder. He hugged him and their naked bodies pressed together. Their chests, thighs, and genitals no longer needed words. When Sam laid him down on the bed, he repeatedly blew into Jim's ear, as if wooing his sense of hearing. He licked his nipples, each one. He took Jim's hand and placed it between his thighs. Horses raced inside Jim and he couldn't breathe. Sam kissed every part of Jim's body-his Adam's apple, his chest, his groin-as if every part he kissed became his forever. These were parts of his body that Sam had too. They journeyed through the similarity of their bodies. From within them came a small, unexpressible cry, because in this meeting of their naked bodies, they both found freedom.

FROM THEN ON, THEIR MEETINGS BECAME MORE FREQUENT. Often in secret, because their "covers" were gone. Sometimes Sam would pull Jim's head and whisper the words again, gua ai di, Jaime. And Jim would repeat, gua ai di, Sam. Sam offered to get Jim a new hearing aid, a more expensive and better one-he had the money. But Jim refused; what he had was enough. They went to the UP lagoon again; Sam brought a Polaroid Instant Camera and asked a man there to take their picture. They watched the photo develop-Sam had his arm around him under the acacia tree, both smiling, Sam's eyes gone. Sam kept the only copy, and years later Jim would sometimes think that he should have asked for it. Sam had asked Jim to write his address at the dorm and at their house on the back of the photo. "Someday," Sam said, "I still want to get to know your family better." They both planned to write a diary-each would record what they did every day, then they'd compare entries. But they never did it, because Sam found it hard-it was handwritten, and he had never kept a diary. Sam bought Jim many records-ones they knew and also ones by singers they didn't know, exploring other music. Jim bought Sam a pick, which Sam never used because he still preferred using his fingernails on the guitar. He played classical guitar for Jim all night long. They both dreamed of a world and a time when they could be together, where they no longer had to hide.

"I will introduce you to my friends. I will proudly call you my boyfriend. And I will kiss you in front of them."

"We will celebrate our anniversary and Valentine's Day, but every day will be special."

"We will wear matching clothes."

"I will always play the guitar for you, even in front of other people."

"No one will ask if we are gay."

"We will pray at the Rabbit God temple in Taiwan."

"We will be together until we are sixty, seventy, eighty years old. Even when our eyes are blurry and we're infirm. But I will still never tire of kissing you."

"And even if I have a hearing aid, I won't hear anything else but you."

Gua ai di, Jaime. Gua ai di, Sam. "Let's run away." "What?"

Jim looked at Sam in surprise. "Let's run away," Sam repeated. "Let's leave them all behind." Now Sam was excited. "I've saved some money. We'll go to a far-off province, somewhere no one knows us."

"They'll find us eventually," Jim said.

"It will take time," Sam said. "And even if they find us, they won't be able to do anything. They have to accept us now."

"Why," Jim joked, "because I'm pregnant?"

"Yes," Sam replied. "And I have to take responsibility for you."

Both laughed.

"You should carry my name," Sam said. "You should carry my name too," said Jim. "We will carry both our names," said Sam.

As time passed, Jim would still remember those dreams of theirs. Sam waited for his answer, excitedly looking at him with his slanted eyes. "So, do you agree, shall we run away?"

Jim looked at Sam. He wanted to smile, and then his eyes disappeared. "Yes," he said. Sam smiled and his eyes disappeared too.

WHEN THE DAY OF THEIR ESCAPE ARRIVED (it was timed for Good Friday, April fourteen, so it wouldn't be obvious they were absent from class), Jim dressed early. He put a few clothes in a bag. He thought about whether to leave a note for Luis. Better not.

He arrived early at the meeting place by the overpass near Q-Mart in Cubao, where they had met before. Almost everyone was out of town, having gone home to their respective provinces. Not far away, there was a Lenten procession; a bloodied Christ was being hoisted onto a cross. Meanwhile, on the side, a child in a tattered t-shirt with holes was singing Bagong Lipunan, and because he had no pants, his dark little organ was hanging out.

An hour passed. A group of four activists suddenly performed a lightning rally, even though only a few people were watching them. They said the killing of Christ was the same as the killing of our human rights, the killing of us all.

Just like before, they were chased by the police and scattered. One of them left a red slipper in the sewer. Jim looked at it sadly. The sewer seemed unwilling to accept the slipper, repeatedly washing it against the cement.

More hours passed. Jim remained standing there. Waiting. When it began to grow dark, it only then occurred to him that maybe Sam wasn't coming.

He worried that something might have happened. He couldn't sleep. He waited for Sam to call the dorm. He didn't. The next morning, very early, he pleaded to use the phone in the lobby. He managed to call Sam's landlady, but a party line interrupted. "Please, get off the line, we are using the phone". Jim pleaded that his was also an emergency, but the party line wouldn't agree. "We all have emergencies we're calling about," it said.

So Jim looked for a payphone outside. He found one, but the line was long. And he realized he hadn't brought any coins. So he decided to just go to Sam's studio apartment.

The landlady, who happened to be in the lobby, was the one he spoke to. She said Sam had just left. This noon was his flight to China.

Shocked, Jim searched for a taxi. What was happening, how did it happen? When the taxi got near the airport, he saw there was traffic, so he quickly got out and ran. He ran fast, gasping for breath, pushed by the spirits of Tu Er Shen and the Lord of the Fairies, shouting for the support of the gods of gayness and of rabbits, panting as he arrived in front of the airport and squeezed through the passengers getting out of cars, carrying their many suitcases, most of whose contents they didn't even need.

There at the entrance, he saw Sam had just shown his passport and ticket to the guard. With him was a beautiful Chinese woman, quite small. Sam looked at Jim and they locked eyes before he turned away and entered. Jim was left staring as Sam finally disappeared.