WOMEN AND MEN AS STRANGERS: GENDER CONFLICT ACROSS CULTURES

WOMEN AND MEN AS STRANGERS: GENDER CONFLICT ACROSS CULTURES

Women who visit or live in other cultures, whether within their own country or abroad, face particular problems of crosscultural ethics. In all cultures there are assumptions about what is proper and good in the relations between the sexes. Sexual role divisions are universal. Differences in cultural perception easily lead to stereotypes and hostility toward those who are different.

In practically all cultures, power and prestige are ascribed more often to the activities of men than to those of women. But the actual conventions for the behavior of men and women differ widely. This creates a dilemma for a stranger in a new context who may not know what is acceptable behavior. Moreover, even when different conventions are understood, they may be ethically and emotionally unacceptable. This chapter examines some of the commonly faced moral problems of women and men who experience gender-role conflict in a strange culture.

The Power of Images in Sexual Relations

Any attempt to understand another person or another culture begins with categories. Knowledge begins with categorization and discrimination. We say that a person is "this" and not "that." She is white and not black, rich and not poor, Christian and not Muslim, woman and not man, foreigner and not fellow citizen, young and not old, enemy and not family, "out-group" and not "in-group."

Categorization and stereotypes. Categories, or names of classes of people, enable us to know how we should act toward them. When we classify a person as police officer rather than thief, we have some conception of what is expected of us and what is safe. "Women" and "men" are universally recognized categories. In every culture or subculture, people assume a range of appropriate behaviors based on the sex of another person. Unfortunately for crosscultural contact, the behaviors and characteristics assumed differ dramatically from culture to culture.

When we meet strangers, we assume that we know something about them based on the category we use to name them. Our categories are deeply influenced by personal experience, especially experience that is dramatic or emotionally charged. If one white kid beats up a black kid, the black kid may fear all whites for a long time to come. Everyone characterizes a stranger based on their own limited experience.

Anyone who enters another culture encounters stereotypes. An Indonesian may admire a white American as rich, educated, self-reliant and free. The same person may also assume all Americans are arrogant,

sexually immoral, racist, neocolonialist and anti-Islam. Stereotypes are generalizations about large classes of people based on limited information. When walking through villages in Indonesia, I am often referred to as "Belanda" (Dutch). For some Indonesians the distinction between Dutch and Americans is less significant than the difference between Javanese and Balinese Indonesians. Most Asians know far more about America than most Americans know about Asia. But their knowledge of Westerners in general is understandably laden with stereotypes. This is especially true when it comes to perceptions of white Western women.

Stereotypes of white women. Many people of color have a stereotype of white women that includes a sexual element. Most of the world derives powerful images of Western women from a highly sexualized global media. Western movies image women as available sex objects. Multinational advertisements and American television are beamed all over the world via satellite. Even sexual behavior that is mild by Western standards is shocking to many foreign eyes.

The behavior of white tourists seems to confirm the common assumption that many white women are promiscuous. In response to tropical temperatures, and because they are on vacation, many women tourists wear very few clothes. They seem unaware that even a sleeveless blouse is considered immodest in many Asian, Latin American, Middle Eastern and southern European cultures.

Before arriving in Pakistan, an experienced traveler advised our family to wear Pakistani dress. If we did so, we would be less conspicuous and would be treated with greater respect. Accordingly, the first thing we did on arrival in Islamabad was visit a tailor and order full Pakistani outfits for all five of us. The extremely baggy clothes cover all flesh from neck to toe and conceal every bodily contour. They were topped with head scarves for the women and rolled-up hats for my son and me.

Having already experienced various forms of sexual harassment in several countries we had visited, my wife, Frances, and our daughters, Jen Marion and Rina, were happy to have the relatively easy change in dress as a means of escaping unwanted attention. We had heard horror stories of how Western-dressed single women are sometimes subjected to intense sexual harassment in this strongly Muslim society.

Pakistani men and women treated my wife and daughters with great respect throughout our stay. Both our dress and our family togetherness positively influenced our Pakistani hosts. We fit into their category of "respectable" people rather than imaging their stereotype of immoral Westerners.

Stereotypes and sexual harassment. Unfortunately, a change of clothes does not always protect a woman from harassment. White women receive a great deal of sexually motivated attention in many cultures. Every country in the world includes many males who would love to make the "conquest" of a sexually available female.

Women have many culturally specific behaviors both to attract and to discourage male attention. These include clothing, posture, ways of moving, use of the eyes (or nonuse), scent, bodily distance, tone of voice, group behavior, age and status signals, times and places where it is acceptable for a woman to be alone, makeup or body paint, and a host of other symbolic behaviors. Women visitors to another culture often don't know how to give the right signals. A foreign visitor lacks social location and may not even have the language to complain effectively. As one rural development worker commented, "It's amazing how much better I'm treated when they discover I speak 'human.' "

When we first arrived in Indonesia, village people often greeted us with the few English words they knew. They followed us with cries of "Hey, mister!" and "Good morning, miss!" at all times of day. Frances,

Jen Marion and Rina were also regaled with phrases like "I love you!" "I want to kiss you!" "You are so beautiful!" Crowds of high-school boys were the worst offenders. They assumed we could not understand their unprintable comments.

The problem of sexual harassment is worldwide and knows no cultural boundaries. With catcalls in the United States, pinches in Italy, staring in China and whispered propositions in almost every country of the world, women are objectified as targets of masculine conquest. Some women shrug off or even enjoy such attention. But for most it is a mild irritant and sometimes a source of fear and rage.

Harassment has few age limitations. Both my wife and our twenty-one-year-old daughter may be pursued, wooed and insulted by males ranging in age from ten to eighty. Once in Jerusalem, after a day of mild flirtations, our elderly taxi driver tried to convince my wife to give him a kiss. I was upset and frustrated by his brazenness, but the man was so old that my wife was merely amused. It takes too much emotional energy to react to every sexual come-on.

For a woman in a foreign culture, sexual harassment can increase insecurity and alienation. She may lack the nuanced understanding and the cultural skills necessary to defuse or escape the situation. This can lead to loss of self-confidence and feelings of helplessness. In her own culture, sexual harassment is also disturbing and may be more dangerous. Violent crimes against women have reached alarming proportions in the United States. But at least most Americans can recognize the complex meanings of sexual communication in their own context and know how to avoid situations that are unpleasant or dangerous.

In some countries where verbal and indirect harassment is notorious, the probabilities of assault or rape may be very low. Nevertheless, the stress may be greater in a foreign context than in a more dangerous setting that is better understood. When my daughter lived in Yogyakarta, Indonesia, she could go almost anywhere, day or night, without fear of assault. But the unsolicited attention of young men often made her prefer to remain a prisoner in her own room. Going out alone just wasn't worth the hassle.

The experience of consistently being treated as an object of sexual attention easily gives rise to sexual stereotypes regarding foreign men. In the United States there is a common stereotype of Latin, Middle Eastern and Indian men as sexual predators. The aggressive few are taken as representative of their whole cultures. These men are easy to meet because they are looking for opportunities to get to know white women.

One tall, handsome Middle Eastern man found that his stereotype of "loose American women" was confirmed during the first part of his stay in America. After a number of relatively easy sexual conquests, however, he realized that his experience applied only to a certain type of women. He called them "foreign student groupies." They were insecure, socially marginal women who apparently could not form satisfactory relationships with American men. The American women he wanted to know were not nearly as sexually available. In the process of learning that his own stereotypes were invalid, he contributed to the negative stereotypes of Middle Eastern men.

In Indonesia many Western women have a negative stereotype of young Indonesian men. Some men congregate in tourist areas and try to make serious sexual contact. Others have no serious sexual intent but are curious about white people. For a man, this curiosity can become annoying. Tourists are asked the same few questions dozens of times in a single day. Superficial conversations with strangers are emotionally exhausting.

For women the constant attention afforded to strangers is more disturbing, especially since the line between sexual attention and curiosity is rather vague. When we were traveling by ship between some Indonesian islands, groups of Indonesian men gathered to stare at any white woman who ventured alone on deck. In the West staring for long periods of time at someone of the opposite sex is impolite and even threatening. In highly communal cultures there are no such inhibitions to curiosity. Personal privacy is not a particularly important value. People may come and look through your window to see what you're doing or enter your room without knocking.

Staring doesn't always indicate curiosity or sexual interest. Sometimes it is intended as a threat. A white person in an all-black or all-Latino neighborhood in Los Angeles would be naive to interpret prolonged staring as a neutral gesture. Where staring is known to be rude, prolonged staring is seldom friendly. But in many cultures the personal privacy Americans assume as their natural right does not exist. In China almost everyone stares at strange white people!

Sexual harassment is a fact of life everywhere, though it is more extreme in some places than others. Still, many adventurous women travel alone and live with great pleasure in almost every country of the world. Others find it more enjoyable to travel with a friend or group. Whether alone or together, many women find that the value of experiencing the richness of another culture far outweighs the occasional discomfort brought on by crude men. You cannot escape harassment just by staying at home!

Recently one of my Indonesian students had the opportunity to attend a conference in Oxford, England. She asked me if it was safe for a woman to travel alone in England or if she should go directly to and from the conference. America is also widely perceived as a wild and dangerous place. I advised her to go for as long as she could and travel as much as possible. The educational and cultural treasures to be gained from travel in another country far outweigh the dangers of sexual harassment. That doesn't mean it is safe, but neither is crossing the street. In either case you have to be careful.

Combating sexual stereotypes. Women are not just passive victims of the corrupt practices of evil men. They are active agents who can resist sexual harassment in a number of ways.

First of all, it is important to recognize the reality of the problem. Naiveté can lead to unpleasant results, not least of which is the confused perception that the victim of harassment is somehow to blame or that harassment is just a local custom. Sometimes ignorance of local conventions encourages sexual harassment. But even if that is true, it does not justify the harassment.

The critical factors in sexual harassment are lack of respect, an aggressive, insistent manner and/or an element of threat. Sexual harassment is wrong, no matter what cultural mistakes were made by the visitor. Many decent men in all cultures will not harass a visiting woman even if they are sexually tempted by her "strange" behavior. A few men in all cultures will harass any woman if they think they can get away with it.

Sexually motivated attention is not necessarily harassment. Communication between men and women often includes a sexual element. People from different cultures differ on the acceptability of mild flirtation in social situations. Signals of sexual interest are given in many ways. Such signals, even if inappropriate or immoral, may not qualify as harassment if they are polite and noncoercive.

Women should not accept sexual harassment in the name of cultural sensitivity, either as their fault or as something that can't be helped. Sometimes ignoring the insult is the best or only defense. But sometimes men or boys need to know their actions are offensive. A polite greeting in good Indonesian often brings order to an unruly group of students who don't quite realize you are a real person. At other times more direct action seems necessary. One Western woman confronted some crude Javanese boys with the question "Belum orang Jawa, kok?" (What? Are you not yet Javanese?), which is tantamount to suggesting that they are not yet fully human.

Sometimes nonverbal signs of displeasure are effective. While I would not recommend this as a normal strategy, I can understand the feelings of an American woman who had reached her frustration limit after being stared at through a car window from less than a foot away. To the consternation of her admirers, she suddenly turned to face them and stuck out her tongue!

The most effective nonverbal communication is to conform to local conventions of modesty. A visitor is a guest on another's turf, whether it is across town or across the ocean. Consideration for the values and sensibilities of the host is not only polite but also safe. The easiest though often ignored way to follow local conventions of politeness and modesty is in clothing. Travelers who aspire to know people and not just sights should wear clothes that are appropriate in the eyes of their hosts.

This does not usually require buying a whole new outfit, as we did in Pakistan though it might provide a good excuse. Western styles are now common in most countries. But attention to what local women of one's own age and status wear in different social situations can provide a rough guide to standards of modesty. My daughter, who enjoys sleeveless shirts, wide necklines and short skirts, found that in Indonesia she was not comfortable wearing most of her American clothes. In spite of the heat, she soon learned that sleeves, high necklines and long skirts brought more respect and less unwanted attention.

Nonverbal signals may be given in other ways as well. In many cultures certain times, places and types of behavior are considered inappropriate for women but not for men. Women who do the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time of day are likely to be misunderstood. This is tricky, because sometimes it's a good idea to flout practices that are oppressive to women. At other times it's not worth it.

One night soon after our arrival in Indonesia in nineteen eighty-nine, my wife heard the sounds of an outdoor dramatic performance in our village. Since everyone else was busy, she went by herself to see what was happening. I was surprised when she returned after less than half an hour. There were other women at the performance, but she didn't like the kind of attention she received. We soon learned that Indonesian women don't usually go out alone at night. To be without friends or family in a social setting at night invites all kinds of speculations. It sends the wrong signals, especially if you happen to be blond!

Nevertheless, women and men who sojourn in another culture have the important ethical task of resisting and breaking common sexual stereotypes. Stereotypes are based on oversimplified images of whole classes of people. Truth destroys false stereotypes. Women of integrity undermine images that trivialize, objectify and degrade them. Patterns of masculine behavior that assume male superiority are undermined by men who relate to women with respect and justice.

No one can overturn entrenched prejudices in a short time. But the cumulative effect of strong examples of integrity in gender relations can both enlighten individual men and give hope to women. At the very least, stereotypes of all Western women as sexually promiscuous cannot survive sustained contact with Western women who show dignity and chastity in sexual relations. Married couples can show an example of healthy married love and friendship between equals. Though far from perfect, our marriage has elicited comments from young Indonesians who see hope for women in an example of equal partnership, mutual respect and genuine love.

There will always be Western men and women who propagate ugly stereotypes by fulfilling negative expectations. "Sexual tourism" involving extreme forms of sexual exploitation of poor and powerless women and children is a continuing, serious problem in many Asian countries. It is not always ignorance that causes suspicion of white (and Japanese) males. People of color in many countries of the world remember a long history of imperialist arrogance in which male conquerors treated powerless women and children as objects of sexual pleasure. Sexual exploitation of the poor by rich foreigners is still widespread.

Western women also contribute to negative stereotypes. In spite of AIDS, there continue to be white women who initiate or accept casual sexual relations with a variety of local men, thus reinforcing images propagated by third-rate movies. The stereotype of pleasure-seeking, helpless rich women is also unfortunately exemplified by too many tourists.

In China a communist government recruitment agency specifically requested Christian teachers from the West. A significant factor in the unusual invitation was the agency's experience of Christians as sexually responsible and dedicated to their work. In contrast, other foreign teachers were described (stereotyped!) as sexually immoral and undisciplined. Christians, by their character and lifestyle, had broken the negative stereotypes that underlie sexual harassment.